


Deliverance and Evils

by Sombereyes



Category: Mai-HiME
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-07
Updated: 2013-04-07
Packaged: 2017-12-07 18:36:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/751715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sombereyes/pseuds/Sombereyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Love of a HiME will always be dark, but that doesn't mean it's forsaken...Shiz/Nat one shot...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deliverance and Evils

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, a not so little one shot because I got bored in my daily activities, and figured since i hadn't posted in a while, I best do something whilst in the mood to do it, or it would never get done.

**Deliverance and Evils**

Back and forth, students walked around aimlessly on the campus. Natsuki had been watching them all day. To her credit, she'd also been doing homework too. However, that was simply a way to pass the time, at least, that's the way she saw things in the back of her mind. She didn't often spend her days out in the open, she preferred locking herself away in her dorm room. She liked it better when everyone wasn't looking at her as if she could be some sort of enigma. She made a promise to Mai though, and that's why she had been waiting around.

She knew Mai had something important to talk about, though, at the time, she hadn't the slightest clue what it was...now though, as they shared some hot chocolate and idle time together, Natsuki found herself wishing even more, that she could relate to Mai's pure joy...instead, she found herself at a loss, mentally kicking herself over and over. She knew she should be happy for Mai, the occasion one of celebration. Natsuki couldn't even crack a smile. She found herself even more depressed, and not just because of the bitterly cold day that it was outside.

"It made you happy, right?" Snow billowed from the sky in the middle of the early evening. The weather was chilly, and without much to do, Natsuki moped in front of the bay window found in one of the university common rooms. "If that's all that matters, just do it." It wasn't that she didn't have better things to do, in fact she was swimming in homework. The truth was that she just didn't care.

"Natsuki, this is a big step." Mai said quietly swirling the hot chocolate that sat in her cup. "Tate has always been so careful about this type of thing. Now, he wants to get married. It's really exciting and all, but, I always thought it would be after I graduated."

"Hmm." Natsuki wasn't completely convinced. "I don't really think it matters either way." She always thought things would be different in university, but she wasn't surprised by the normalcy of her life, and the changes that had come after the carnival. She was simply bored, with nothing to do. Her entire ideal of revenge had crumpled at her feet, and she was thankful for that much. There was one thing that bugged her though, one very confusing issue. "You're going to marry him, it's what you want...so, why wait in the first place?"

Well that was her denial...it wasn't even an issue, it was a pure fact.

"Because, it might not be the right time for this." Mai finally said, regarding Natsuki with a saddened look. "Tate and I are good together. Still, with Takumi always being sick, I never really had the kind of time I wanted with Tate. My brother's fully recovered now, so, I think it would be good for Tate and I, to just kinda slow down a bit. Not forever, but, just wait. He knows I love him." She shook her head then, clearing away her own personal life, happy and care free as it usually was. "You're still in the doldrums with Shizuru, aren't you?"

"Would you stop calling it that?" Among the difficulties of life, Natsuki had admitted to herself on several occasions that she was not god's gift to the world. "You have to be dating a person to be in the doldrums with them." She knew she wasn't perfect, but, she didn't strive to be either. Her entire life wasn't worth half of her internal battles. "And if you forgot, we aren't." Her random musing were something she did purely out of habit, nothing more. Searching for herself, well, that would be useless too...and she knew it. Still, she wanted something, and it pulled at her.

"Natsuki..." Mai finally said then, putting her hand on Natsuki's shoulder, feeling the tension that had coiled up tightly like a spring. "You died for her. You went after her when no one else did. I don't know what happened that day, and I'm sure I never will, because I don't want to." Still, as she let herself lay her head on Natsuki's firm back, feeling every hesitating breath, Mai knew more than she wanted already. "I realize that it takes forever for you to just let things go...but the more you fight whatever it is that bugs you...the longer it's going to take to actually become happy."

"It's not that...I'm happy, or at least content." Experimenting straight girls were always a problem. She didn't want to be that person. Love was a fine line though, and Natsuki just didn't want to commit to herself being gay. The title came with so many different things, and not that she had a problem with it, but, she plans in her future. Plans that, realistically, being gay would never accomplish. She got the picture, it wasn't like being gay was the end of the world...if anyone knew that first hand, she was that person. "I'm just at the point in my life, that I want something else too."

"And you don't know what that is?" Mai couldn't believe that...still, Natsuki's way of doing things often remained a mystery to most. Her relationship with Natsuki had deepened to a point where there weren't any barriers. Literally, Mai knew she could cling onto Natsuki like this, hearing her frazzled breath forever, and Natsuki would allow it. "It sounds to me like you're really in denial about this."

"I know what I want...but, with who...that's the question." She knew what it meant to throw away her life, and being gay was certainly the least of her worries on that front. She'd wasted a lot of her past, simply because she didn't know how else to spend it. Still, being gay had it's own world of problems. From the outside looking in, Natsuki could see that. It wasn't exactly a huge difference, but there were lifestyle choices involved...realities that she could never change. Natsuki sighed as she worried her lip. "Everyone just thinks that Shizuru and I should just fit together. Like we're two perfect puzzle pieces, and it may seem like that outwardly, but the truth is, we're both very different people."

Mai nodded, she'd also noticed that. "If that's something you feel is putting pressure on you, what's stopping you from telling them the same stuff you used to say?" Natsuki didn't have many friends, but one friend she did have was Shizuru. "I remember a time when you even bit my head off for the same basic reason." To move beyond such an influential stage wasn't so easy. "Just say what you want to say...be truthful."

"They might be right, and I've learned that sometimes you have to take offered advice." Natsuki said softly after a few moments. "But what if they're wrong?" Perhaps that was her problem. Her life always had fine lines, carefully drawn, and always to keep people away. Sometimes, an idiot would cross over, and, eventually Natsuki would realize, that person could turn out to be a good friend. "I'm not good at this stuff, and this may seem selfish, but I don't want to be _that_ woman." Yet, love was not a line Natsuki had drawn. "The kind who has no idea what she wants, because she's stupid and can't figure it out."

Mai felt her heart pull at her, when Natsuki's eyes seemed to cloud over in something unfamiliar. "Is there something you're afraid to tell me, that I'm not getting?" It would have made sense. Natsuki liked to talk in circles to avoid a topic outright. A clammy hand found it's way onto her own, and Mai paused, Natsuki's actions were an oddity at best of times.

"It's not you, if that's what you're afraid of." Natsuki said then. "You're my friend Mai, but that's all we could ever be." Her voice was stony, not really showing what she felt.

Mai knew however, the rejection dodged the truth entirely. It was just Natsuki's way of admitting defeat. In her own way, that was enough of an answer. "How long?" The question it and of itself wouldn't let Natsuki hide this time.

"It isn't a matter of how long, it's all about the possibility." Natsuki's eyes were beginning to turn to normal, though she smiled a sad little wane. "One of the things that goes through my mind sometimes is 'I might be able to be happy, with this person'. Then I ask myself why that is. I think the same thing about a couple of the guys I know...and there are a few girls that fit the description. You may be on that list, but so is Shizuru. It has nothing to do with some weird crush or something."

It might have been the quiet undertone in Natsuki's voice, or that Mai was just a hopeless romantic deep down. Either way, she wanted to believe it was something more, even if it wouldn't change anything between them. There was just something about motor oil and the smell of Natsuki's deodorant that had become so comfortable over the years. If it was simple familiarity that made Shizuru begin to fall in love, Mai could understand it.

Mai could even admit, that given another place, or another time, she herself could easily fall for Natsuki as well. "Listen, I'm meeting up with Tate in an hour, but I can't sneak him into the girl's dorm tonight. If you wanna crash in my room, go ahead. No one's taken Chie's old bed yet." With that, Mai slid her spare card key into Natsuki's pocket. "I don't even think I'm going to be getting another roommate, you should ask if you can switch assignments."

"Yeah...I might do that." Natsuki's words fell of deaf ears. Mai was already starting to walk away, but that didn't bother Natsuki. Instead she took out the card key and sighed. Her friend made a lot of sense, and she honestly felt the same way. Still, her life and her feelings were more complicated than that.

During the battle, she'd said the word "love" in very gray terms. She'd colored off a segment of her life, purely for the meaning of it. However, that wasn't enough. It would hurt people. Natsuki knew she wouldn't be the one to take the hit. It would be Shizuru. Friendship had blurred after the carnival. She wanted to be confidant within herself, but honestly, she'd hadn't ever given much thought into a romantic future. She'd always assumed, that after she got her revenge, only then would she really have the time to sort her life out...making it into whatever she truly wanted.

Now though, she knew...she missed out.

Feelings that should have come earlier, emotions that often carried away Mai into a fit of giggles seemed so long ago now. Mai was different. She'd grown in leaps and bounds from the type of girl she had been. Now Mai was ready to settle down, and in a relationship with Tate that actually worked. Gone were the days of shy adolescence. The moments of stumbling through a kiss were no longer there...instead of being nervous about dating, or having sex for the first time...Mai was was nervous about marriage. Tate had become a man...somewhere along the way, Mai had become a stunningly beautiful woman, a confidant one as well.

It wasn't just the two of them either...there were other HiME that had also found something...had built something from all of the bad things. The wreckage was gone, and a bright future came for them.

There wasn't exactly brightness for Natsuki. Her life wasn't bad, it was just normal. The worst she could say of it, was that she'd never had her breath taken away. Mai would gossip about romantic things, and Natsuki just couldn't follow. On the basis of logic, she knew what Mai and her other acquaintances talked about...she could fathom what it might feel like...still, she'd never personally experienced it. That bothered her. It removed her even further from the rest of the world, and while she honestly didn't give a rat's ass about most of it...she cared about Mai...what Mai went through.

She cared about Shizuru too...and not understanding these things emotionally, irked her endlessly. She knew what she would have to do, that answer came easily, but the real question was, could she do it? She didn't know. Still, she could bring herself to find out, if that's what she had to do.

It was exactly as she told Mai.

She wanted to be sure. She wanted clarity before playing with such a heavy, dangerous word. Shizuru was very fragile, and to walk into a relationship blindly, thinking it would work, that was childish. After the carnival, it would be outright stupid. Mai wasn't just a friend though, Natsuki knew that in her heart. Mai had managed, for whatever reason, to take the place Shizuru used to claim. Mai's actions weren't advances though, and that was the difference. The redhead was simply clingy by nature...but it didn't change the fact.

Once someone walked in that far, once they pushed beyond all of the barriers like that...Natsuki could see it. She could accept that something other than friendship might come of it. Mai was safe though, and Natsuki was thankful for that safety. Mai wouldn't expect something that Natsuki couldn't give. Mai wasn't looking for a lover, she had one.

Natsuki pushed herself up from the chair she'd been slouching in, standing up with her school bag fulled with crumpled papers. Staying in Mai's dorm would be a good idea. She could think about this stuff, without prying eyes. That's what she wanted most right now.

Natsuki's dorm room was just a few doors down the hall from Shizuru's. The reason that she wasn't actually staying with the tawny haired woman while they suffered through the torture of long classes, was that Haruka and Shizuru were roommates. Haruka wasn't around most of the time anyway, her day was better spent with Yukino, who had the luxury to stay off campus. It suited Shizuru to have the dorm to herself. Contrary to popular belief, she was not a people person by nature. She enjoyed the company of several people, but, of those people, there were only a handful she would willingly stay in a room with.

Natsuki was in a similar situation with Yayoi Ota, the the shorter girl always seemed to be off bunking with her friends. It was seldom that she used her own bed. However, the times she actually did come stumbling through the door, she thankfully left Natsuki well enough alone. They lived around each other, a toleration something both easily agreed on.

Though, if she had the option to switch her dorm assignment, she'd rather stay with Mai. She knew Mai, and could trust her with her life..and to an even deeper level, she could trust Mai with her feelings. She could talk with Mai, and get advice...she could say the things that really mattered, because Mai would never be hurt by it.

Natsuki had come up to the third floor with the intention of simply packing up a bag of things she would need, going to Mai's and going to sleep, the cold air making her tired more than anything. Instead though, she felt drawn to Shizuru's door, her mind still carrying her away from her usual lack of concern. If it were any other day, Natsuki was sure she'd let her mind steep in the emotional torrent for a while longer...normally, she'd try to forget, or put things off as long as she could.

It wasn't average though, not with the world reminding her of every single shortcoming that she held within her heart.

Still, when she went into Shizuru's room, the door unlocked as normal, she found herself unable to pull her eyes away from Shizuru's dance. Her hands were grasping onto one of her prized weapons, the blade twinkling in the dim light of the room. Shizuru's eyes were closed, the art the same as taking a breath. She needed not the ability to see in order to be deadly. Natsuki hadn't even closed the door behind her, when Shizuru greeted her with those cold eyes that Natsuki knew so well. The eyes of a woman lost within turmoil.

"I'll go start tea." It was the only thing Natsuki could say when she had the misfortune to see things of this nature. "Gonna make some coffee too." If it was Shizuru's method of torture for herself, or for Natsuki, she was unsure. Still, the sickening feeling of guilt would eat away at both of them whenever Shizuru practiced with her sharp blade.

"No need." Shizuru's ending stance was like that of law in times like this, and out of reflex Natsuki always forgot she had, she froze up. "I will prepare the drinks, if you would be so kind, as to put the room back into proper order." By that, of course, she meant move the furniture back where it should have been.

"Sure." Natsuki nodded, as she watched the woman clad in hardly anything at all, saunter out of the room. It may have seemed odd for some, seeing the normally reserved Shizuru Fujino clad in a white tank top and a pair of lace panties, but Shizuru had already made clear why she practiced like that. Combat was not unlike the primal needs of sexual nature. An odd way to look at it perhaps, but one thing that worried Natsuki.

Shizuru was a demanding friend emotionally, and as a partner, she would be even more so.

Not that she would ever ask anything of Natsuki...but that was the demand...the not knowing what was enough, of how far to go...of what she should say, and what she could say...what would hurt, and what would heal. It was all one big mess, and Shizuru never had the courage to ask. Natsuki never knew the answer, and as a lover, she would have to understand them like the back of her hand. It was easy to put the room back together, but it wasn't easy for Natsuki to sit down and wait. She couldn't force herself to be good, because her fingers trembled with everything Mai would remind her of.

It was like a hammer in her head, and she knew...  
She couldn't get away with her uncertainty forever...  
This wasn't something she could do on her own...

Yet, could she tame the eyes of a killer? Could she cut through all of the fear in those eyes? The wall was there, stronger after the carnival, but could she break through it, without breaking herself? Mai was a safe love, unattainable, and yet, always near by. Shizuru, she was reachable, but only if Natsuki walked through the valley of thorns. Her feet carried her into the kitchen, and over to Shizuru, who's deadly dance before seemed forgotten in the brightly colored room that had two other doors attached. One door led into a shared bathroom, the other into the adjoining dorm room nearby. Shizuru stood near the counter, watching the water in the cooking pot boil, and with every rising bubble, fleeting though it seemed, her eyes seemed to moisten, though, she couldn't make them stop.

A shaky hand pulled her away from the stove though, the hesitation thick in the air, as Natsuki drew closer. This was not the first time such a thing had happened, but it was the first time it ever took place in an open area, where other people might see. Natsuki let herself clutch onto the thin fabric of Shizuru's shirt, pulling the taller woman closer to her, yet no matter how long they stood like this, Shizuru seemed so far away. That was always the trouble. So protected, guarded, even if her eyes seemed soft and confused. There was a dangerous glint hidden in the shadows. "I don't like it...when you do that." Natsuki's voice was barely there.

The intensity they shared was completely unpredictable. One second, they would be facing off, an inward battle of memories to blame...and then, in another instant, it would melt away, and pain would find the both of them, guilt not so far either. There wasn't any warmth though, and that's why Natsuki always found herself unsure. Shizuru was careful, but always restricted, her passion for anything always kept in check. As if it had been tied and gagged, for fear of letting her feelings get in the way ever again. "You know why I do." Shizuru's voice carried evenly, cool and calm.

"I know..." Natsuki gulped down the feeling of betrayal, of everything she always had to force herself to face during days like today. "That's why I hate it." She wanted to be able to say something else, but what could she say? Everything would be a consolation prize at best, and unsure feelings could tear her friend apart. Still, the tainted mirth of the situation would forever be lost between them, as well as the opportunity that would present itself, if Natsuki continued to let things go on the way they always seemed to do. It was like a dictation at this point, a flow of a river they knew well. "I thought this pain would go away by now."

Yet, it hadn't...

With a shaky sigh, Shizuru finally began to relent, relaxing her stance, and embracing the shorter girl. "I'm sorry, Natsuki." Mumbling into the thick, dark tresses of midnight, she inhaled the soft, sweet scent that could only be Natsuki's. "I don't mean for it to hurt you."

"It does though." Natsuki retorted quickly. "I hate when you do it...we don't need the reminder."

"You may not." Shizuru said then, her wisdom always seemed to fall around her like a cloak at times when she needed it most. It hid her truest nature, her darkest wishes behind a mask of gentle understanding. "But I will always need to remember." With it, she could play the role she knew so well, at the expense of little white lies, and barely there confessions. "I'm a sinner, Natsuki." Shizuru's voice was always so calm, she accepted it. "I can't expect you to understand, but the only time I ever feel like I have control, is when I'm training."

"It's what you're training for, that I hate the most." It was true, all of the HiME lingered on a fine line between normalcy, and preparing for another event. If another problem came up, it would be their greatest demise, and all of them accepted that truth with unwavering loyalty...both as HiME, and as normal human women, protecting those they loved most. The HiME were a force to reckon with, so even if they disliked the idea of being so friendly with each other, so close at hand, it was a necessity...they'd all agree on that. "I don't like how sure you are...thinking that it'll happen again."

Shizuru however, remained one in a handful, that lacked the ability to trust openly. Her training to hone her skills sat at the edge of intent. She would never lose a battle, would never give up a fight so easily, even if that made her a bad person, she found it was a lesser evil. If Natsuki were to ever come to harm, if she, by horrific chance, lost Natsuki forever, that would be the last straw on a thinning rope. Her training, as she called it, helped to center her mind. It was cautionary, Natsuki knew that...but, the mere thought of the intent to kill, to take lives again...in the pursuit of safety, is what scared Natsuki the most.

While it was true, she had also been training hard to keep up her own skills in battle, that was less out of survival, and more a way of life. Routines were hard to break, but Natsuki wanted to be sure she could take care of herself, always, and without the need for others. Most of all, she prayed that Shizuru would never see her as a weak person, one needing to be protected with such ferocity.

"It is because I am unsure." Shizuru's statement was clipped, as if she wanted to say more, but thought better of it. Her fingers cupped Natsuki's cheek, an action that was soothing to both of them. "There are many promises I can never make to myself, or to those I care about. There is one thing though, that I can always swear by, and that is, that I've done my best to make my life as peaceful as possible. Training is a way to prove to myself that I am strong enough, that I can do those things again if I must. The future isn't ever a promise, Natsuki."

"You're right, it isn't." Natsuki bit her lip then, so hard in fact, that she could taste her own blood, and she flinched at the pain. "If it was, we'd be in a different place by now." The fear was so clear in her voice as she pulled away, needing space between them. She didn't want the comfort gifted upon the hands of an avenger. "This isn't a fairytale, Shizuru. Preparing for some type of war isn't going to do either of us any good." Even if it was the only thing either of them really knew how to do...both fighting hard against the shadows that scared them most.

"Then what do you want me to do?" It was a hopeless plea, and one that Natsuki couldn't answer as she stood there, looking at the deep pools of crimson.

"Here's a hint..." Natsuki said in a shaky breath. "Not that." It came off softer than she wanted, perhaps a bit broken. Natsuki's voice was normally a tad low, and only just a bit husky. This time though, the sound that protruded from her lips wasn't so easy going...it was delicate, as if even the slightest wind would wash it away before it could kiss away the doubt in Shizuru's mind. They both paused as such a sound, it was so quiet, that a pin drop would shake the world around them, and shatter it into tiny bits.

A white knuckled grip on the counter told enough of the anxiety in the room, not even the water, roaring in the heavy pot, could sway Shizuru's eyes from her target. She was stunned at the shockingly lost display she found within emerald eyes. As if a long and harsh winter had begin to thaw, but the newly melted emotion had nowhere else it could go. Natsuki has done this before, they knew this path well...they could share a hesitant kiss, fall into the same routes of hope and denial, but it wouldn't do them any good.

Still, like a toxic addiction that flowed over them, they fell so easily into that pace, and before Natsuki knew it, she was pinned to the wall, not even putting up the slightest fight as Shizuru claimed her lips. This was the utter terror of leaving Shizuru alone, of leaving her lost within her own world of fighting. There was a sick, twisted, animosity that bubbled within them, wanting dearly to forgive the past, but having no idea how. It was so much easier to pretend...Natsuki could go on her entire life at the mercy of this...whatever it was the two of them had, it wasn't love...but the feelings perched at the bottom of their hearts stemmed from it.

The gods would damn them both to hell for this, and they knew it...still as Shizuru coaxed a breathy a moan from those pale, soft lips, the fingers that toyed idly with the clasp in the front of Natsuki's shirt stilled. It was then, that she opened her eyes. The tears that fell were her creation, Shizuru hated that the most, and with that, she abruptly ended the kiss that had nearly invited nirvana. "Is that what you want?" She asked, trying dearly to calm her addled nerves, and to catch her breath.

There was no use in lying. As afraid as she was of the damage she would cause, she was even more fearful to let this rip them apart from the inside. "Yeah..." Natsuki whispered, "Just...not like that."

"Then, show me how, Natsuki." Shizuru was at a loss, watching the woman in front of her. Natsuki clutched at her jeans, and bit her lip, letting a sigh slip from between her teeth. The severity of those glistening eyes, caused Shizuru to trembled a bit inwardly. "Show me what I'm doing wrong."

"I don't think that I can." If she could bring herself to understand the feeling within her gut, then maybe, she'd be able to reach out. That was a futile effort, and she knew it. She had to let herself become the weakest she'd ever been in her life. "If I knew all of those answers, I wouldn't hesitate. I would be strong enough to withstand this." Natsuki simply didn't know if she could take it. Watching this woman, loving this tainted soul, it wasn't like they could just throw away everything they'd ever done. "But, I don't know...and I try to find out. Though when I do, all I can feel is pain and confusion."

"It isn't fair." Shizuru finally said as she looked away, the floor much more interesting to stare at. "I never asked to be a HiME. It isn't like I wanted this either." The shattered breaths that escaped her lungs felt like poison, and finally she relented the fact that she could once again lose the one thing she dared never to let go of...it was her resolve, her drive, that kept her baser desires in check, but to cast those away, it would leave her stripped down. The murky undertow could sweep them away at that point. "But...Natsuki...if I have to be a HiME...if I have to accept the past, the sins I've accepted...if I must live with that every day, I will never rest until I know that it was worth something." If it took them to some unknown place, then so be it...there would be nothing more she could do. "If I never accomplish anything else, I will grasp hold of my own peace of mind."

Shizuru clenched her fists. "I have tried to make my life have a reason to be the way that it is. I don't want to make excuses for every step I've taken, even if I've hurt everyone around me." She swallowed hard, trying to suppress her fears from leaking into her already quaking voice. "Even if that's inconsequential for everyone else...even if I'm never accepted, or recognized for rest of my life...that means the most to me." Her eyes finally chanced a glance in Natsuki direction, but she refused to keep focus for very long. "I don't want to regret being the adult I've become."

"I don't think anyone would begrudge you of that." Natsuki's words were as gentle as her footsteps. "There are things I will always regret...things that I can't change...so if I can find any peace at all, I'd be lucky." There was something risky about being in love with Shizuru, and Natsuki knew it, yet another difficult choice to make, to accept the truth, or to let it fall by the wayside. "I'm about to make another regret right here and now, because even if I want to understand, I can't." She felt numb as a cold shiver rolled down her back. "Mai's getting married, and even if I should be happy for her, I can't be. It just hurts, and I don't know why."

Shizuru nodded. "I understand perfectly..." If there had ever been a time, when Natsuki's fear made sense, her actions explained fully, without her even having to say it, this would have been such a time. "Unrequited love does that to a person." It was as if that one confession had been like a tidal wave that had pushed them ashore. "It tears them apart inside. Even if that love can't go on any further, it will always hurt, because you will wish for it. There are a lucky few who move on, they find happiness elsewhere, but, I find that to be a rarity."

"I'm not in love with Mai." That very thought had crossed her mind before too, she'd pondered if that fact were true. Natsuki knew however, her love for Mai wasn't like that. It was sisterly, protective, and it had it's own place within the world...if Mai were gay, and had wanted to grow that friendship carefully, then, maybe...just maybe...the story would be different. Still, however, Shizuru had been the one to stand in that place, and very meticulously sow that seed, but, she'd lost the trust required to stand in that old spot. Mai belonged there, in the blindness of friendship...things half said, a twirling mess of gossip, teasing, and confusion. What they had could be considered rock solid, and would likely stand the test of time.

It was Shizuru...she was the one who had to belong someplace else. The place she'd made, without even knowing it. "If it were Mai, she would able to give me an honest rejection, and I'd know I'd be okay." The problem was that no matter how much hurt fell over her, Natsuki knew she could never honestly reject Shizuru. She would never be able to completely end the feelings that seemed to bind them together, Natsuki just felt guilty, because she couldn't seem to fix things either. "I can't do the same when you're involved. I can't push you off of me, or tell you that I don't want this...because it would be only part of the truth. I can't be honest, and if I can't be that, I have no reason to be anything else."

With slow, tentative movements, Shizuru grew near to Natsuki again, and let her fingers cup Natsuki's cheek. "You are being as truthful as you can be." As her thumb ran across bruised, plump lips she smiled at that. "I was once the same way...there are times that I still am." To know Natsuki's heart was at such war made her feel warm...as if there had always been hope for them hidden in the lies they weaved. "Being unsure doesn't mean you are lying, it doesn't mean you're being unfaithful to yourself, or to me. It simply means that you lack the ability to speak freely with how you feel, there's no way to give me a definitive answer." Yet, Shizuru knew well, she didn't want one.

The clairvoyance in emerald eyes, seemed to see through all that had gone on between them, but their dance was a dangerous one. No matter what had happened in the past, it was merely the truth. Still, when the snow billowed from the sky, the only real danger, were the memories that they couldn't push away. The things they could not change, the wounds that had been unable to heal. Between the objections she wanted to say, and the emotions she wanted to feel, Natsuki could do no more than fall victim to the pools of blood that she remembered each time she looked into Shizuru's eyes.

"Natsuki..."

Shizuru's question went unanswered as Natsuki's pale lips quirked up into the tiniest hint of a smile. Her fingers found their way through the thick locks of fawn, as her head tilted just so slowly to the side. It was the only answer she had, and it wasn't even anything that she could say. She wanted to claim those lips for herself, wanted to prove to herself that it was what she really wanted. Instead, her blush and her fears won over, and she buried her face so that she wouldn't be seen. It was enough however, to cool the burning that seemed like fire, and to calm the eyes that frightened her so. "I don't understand this." She whispered heatedly into the nape of Shizuru's neck. "What I want the most...I feel like I shouldn't want it...but I do."

"I want many things, but, I am a greedy woman. You've no idea what you do to me." It was followed by a chuckle, soft and filled with melody. "How much I want you, even now."

"Yes I do." Natsuki could feel the heat. "You do the same thing to me." The feelings that had been locked away for so long. The ones that frightened her, confused her, and made her want to cry every time she'd let her guard down. She wanted it again, that feeling of powerlessness as it mingled with a protective embrace. "Ever since you kissed me the first time, way back then." She wanted it...to just let go, and fall victim to the love that was so terribly wrong. "You always do it to me too."

Shizuru's tongue darted out from between her lips, moistening them with a heated sigh. It was without the desperation from moments ago, even though red eyes slid behind closed lids for a moment. She gave Natsuki warning as she pulled the shorter woman in for the sweetest of kisses, and let her fingers work their way under Natsuki's shirt, just so that she could rest her hands under the fabric. Her palms were cool against Natsuki's warm skin, and slowly she deepened the kiss, asking for permission to taste the sweetness within. Expertly she knew just what to do to make Natsuki quake in her arms, a soft murmur of arousal slipped between them, and Shizuru pulled away distancing herself from Natsuki once again.

It was a back and forth dance. One that they played well together...Shizuru had expected Natsuki would run away, as she'd done in the past. Running from everything she didn't want to remember, hiding from the truth she didn't want to believe in. They knew that game well, all it would take would be the toss of some dice and a game of chance. Tonight however, Natsuki didn't run, she followed Shizuru behind the door that led to the bedroom.

A muted thud, and a few quiet whispers were the only hints that she had fallen into temptation.


End file.
